The Magical Mathematical Kingdom

Today, I was trying to teach math. I say trying because every day I feel more like I have managed behavior than taught any mathematical concepts. I think it is because math is after lunch. 

As soon as we get into the room, I check homework and put up the correct answers for students to check their work. As I am doing this, D decides to yell  "Go!" over and over at another girl who is supposed to switch classes. I say to her, "You don't need to tell anyone when to leave the room." D responds "I wasn't, that was him." as she points to K, who has the deepest voice in the class. 

I look at her and sarcastically say, "There you go performing those magic tricks again. You and J should really get together and do an act, because you astound and amaze me all the time."

Then I try to explain to them that I have a working pair of eyes and ears, and they are not going to fool me by blaming their actions on someone else, because magic is not real. 

To which K replies, "Magic is real!"

I turn and make a motion with my hand towards him like I'm waving a magic wand and say, "Poof. Then how come nothing just happened?"

Everyone laughs. Again, I was trying to teach math. But then, the road to hell was paved with good intentions, right? Maybe that's where dragons get their fire breath. 

Class Dismissed

Dismissal is the most difficult time of day. You would think that it would be something to look forward to, but not with the dragon dates. Last Friday was a half day.  I hate half days. The students were dismissed at 11:00. You might think I would look forward to a day when dragon breath goes home early and I have a nice, quiet afternoon to catch up on the ever-growing stack of paperwork I need to do. Not so. On half days, students come in at 7:00, eat breakfast, go to reading class for an hour and a half to take their spelling and vocabulary tests, and then have one more hour of class until lunch. I have to take them to the cafeteria by 10:30 to get a sack lunch that they promptly throw in the trash, and then we dismiss. Sounds like a piece of cake, huh?

Oh sure, you probably think that the students come in all nice and quiet, eat their breakfast like a civilized group of children, and then settle down and study for their test, right? You probably also think that they quietly work on their tests and I could actually sit down (gasp) and grade their spelling tests from last week, right? You probably think that these wonderful students walk in a quiet line to lunch and munch their apples and graham crackers and carrot sticks quietly, then walk to the buses ready for the weekend and smiling and waving as they get on the bus, right? You couldn't be more wrong!

Last Friday, the dragon crew came in super amped because they knew we would be out of our normal routine. Anytime that happens, total chaos is sure to follow. (FYI, I also hate picture day and field trips). As the kids pour in, I got about 20 questions of are we going to our reading groups, and are you checking homework to which I respond of course and that's why I assigned it.

When we started the spelling test I tried desperately to grade a set of papers in between 8 questions of can I go to the restroom, 3 of can I go to the library, and 2 of can I take an AR test. "50 first dates", I sigh to myself as I remind my class that we went before the test, we have a procedure for going to the library, and taking an AR test would not be appropriate during another test. And Js, why are you asking me the same question twice, hoping I'll forget and change my mind?

I tried to use the rest of my instruction time to get students to make up some unfinished work and missing assignments. The usual suspects, of course. Then we rushed down to the lunchroom in order to grab our sack lunches. I listened to moans and groans and hunger pains as students hold up their apples and carrot sticks, complaining. I hear "Ewwww! Nobody likes these!" and see most of this produce get thrown away. Then I hear a lot "I'm hungry."

As soon as lunch is over, we have to pack up and get ready for dismissal. In desperation I try to get them to be quiet as I line them up. On the way to the buses, D was in not so rare form and decided that she was going to yell at a boy in the class lined up in front of us. He said something insulting to her and she followed with, "Your pants are so tight you are going to get a yeast infection!" I started to say to her that it was not appropriate to say such things, and then I looked. The pants were so tight! Especially for a boy! I tried to resist, but I cracked a smile. Hey, I'm human. And D was right.

The Year of the Dragon and 50 First Dates

I LOVE teaching fifth grade. The kids are at the perfect age. They are old enough to wipe their own noses, tie their own shoes, get on the right bus, and actually help me with mundane tasks like alphabetizing and filing papers. 

I used to teach third grade. That experience has made me love fifth grade even more. While I thoroughly enjoyed my time in third grade, fifth grade is much more my style. Fifth graders understand sarcasm and laugh at your jokes because they get them. They are outgrowing the immature behaviors such as falling out of their chairs to get a laugh. You can (usually) explain something once or twice and they listen and know what to do. Fifth graders correct each other, and the peer pressure can be used to help students self-correct undesirable behaviors. 

Last year was my first year in fifth grade. (Besides the one I spent in elementary school while I was actually eleven years old). Last year was a breath of fresh air. Each day I came to work and was loved by 21 sweet angels. They worked hard, they followed directions, and they brought me snacks all the time  (I was pregnant last year). They threw me a baby shower, they drew cards for me, and they were quiet when asked to be quiet. Even though I had the inevitable behavior issues, the rest of the students were as understanding about it as could be expected, and did not join in to the inappropriate behavior. They all would give those students the same "look" I gave them and quote the same saying I would quote whenever the undesired behavior would start. When I think about last year, I sigh and smile. Last year was the year of perfection. If I had to equate last year to a Chinese year (you know how you get the menus that have animals for each year), it would have to be the year of the unicorn. It was magical, pleasant, and rare. 

This year is my second year teaching fifth grade. This year I have 24 lovely children in my classroom. About 8 of those students consistently do not cause a problem during instruction. So, if this were math class, I could ask what fraction of students in our class do not disrupt instructional time? The answer would be one-third. That means that the remainder of students in our class disrupt instruction regularly. What fraction is, no you may not go to the bathroom, that? The answer would be two-thirds. TWO-THIRDS of my class regularly disrupt instruction. Imagine trying to complete a lesson. No, imagine trying to complete a sentence when two-thirds of your classroom is regularly doing something inappropriate. This year I have named they year of the dragon. It is unreal, scary, breathes fire, and makes you feel like taming it is impossible. 

It is also the year of 50 First Dates. If you've seen the movie, you know that Drew Barrymore had an accident and lost her long term memory. She relives the same day everyday, thinking it is a brand new day. Adam Sandler falls in love with her, but each day she forgets who he is. At the end of the movie, Adam Sandler made a video for Drew to watch every morning when she wakes up. The video goes over all of the highlights of their life together so she can know what is going on and they can continue living their life instead of reliving the same day over and over. Well, my class needs that video. Had I known, I could have filmed the first day of school, edited it to just go over the highlights, and then I would play it each morning before we began any instruction. That way, I wouldn't have to repeat the same things each day to the same people. Over and over. I could just play the tape. 

Doing this would prevent me from saying things like: 

"Don't come up to me and ask a question while I am teaching. Please raise your hand." 

"Js, please wait until I give directions before you ask your question." 

"Please come in and sit down before asking me if you can go somewhere." 

"I can only answer one question at a time, so if you all start asking me things as we are coming in the classroom, I cannot hear anyone and the answer will always be no." 

"Js, please stop coming up to me to ask a question. Raise your hand."

"No, you may not go to the library. You may add your name to the list and wait your turn. That is the way we always handle library time."

"K, please stop calling people stupid, retarded, or dumb." 

"Yes, K, I understand that you think they actually are dumb, but please quit calling them that."

"Yes, Js? Please don't ask me if you can get go to the library during math class. You know how we go to the library."

"No, Js, you may not take an AR test right now either."

"D, please sit down. You do not need another tissue, more hand sanitizer, or a sharper pencil. You need to get your work done."

"No, Js, you may not get on the computer. You may finish your work."

"D, how did you get all the way back there? Your desk is up here!"

"J, you may not have scissors! I have told you that ever since I saw you trying to cut your eyelashes on the first day of school! You know that your neighbor is supposed to cut things out for you."

"Js, put your hand down, you do not have a question right now. you have an assignment."

Every day I go in with high hopes and prayers, thinking I might have a successful day. And then that day begins. And those same students overcome my best efforts and ideas. Never in my 7 years of teaching have I had a year like this. I have had years as challenging as this year, but never in the same way. And every day I think to myself, "I miss last year." But alas, last year's students have moved on, and before me sits the task of taming the Dragon. 

I know that I can tame it, but we have already completed ten weeks of school and have made very little progress in the way of taming these behaviors. I have never had a year where it took longer than about three weeks to tame most of these behaviors. But again, this year is 50 first dragon dates. 

At least tomorrow is Friday. Guess what I will probably hear as I try desperately to grade a stack of papers while they take their spelling test?

"Yes, Js, I did know that lunch is in exactly 128 minutes. Thank you for sharing that. Now don't you have a spelling test to complete?"